Interesting ficcy... ^^

[okami_hu]

Title: Shadowed sunlight
Authors: kira_k & okami_hu
Beta: forgottenlover
Rating: R
Genre: hetsmut
Warning: rape
Pairing: Kimbley & Hawkeye
Summary: "Oh, I thought it was clear, what I wanted... A body, not necessarily willing. And you're pretty enough."
Word count: 8753


She was sitting in front of her tent, cleaning her rifle with painful precision. The Ishbal sun glanced on the shiny weapon and caressed her honey-colored hair. She was young, too young to be here. Yet, her posture and calm eyes suggested she had already gone through a first initiation in this war.

Kimbley got back from the fields, after a day full of explosions. He was covered in blood due to his compulsion to touch every one of his victims. As a result of the kills, he was horny as well. He was thinking about going back into his tent and taking care of his problem when he spotted a blond head attached to a feminine body. He sauntered over, grinning as he got a better look at the young woman. She was lovely, young, and probably full of meaningless ideals.

Hawkeye didn't pay much attention to her surroundings when she worked. She wanted to keep her weapon in good shape, and it wasn't that easy to do in this desert hell. When she finished she picked up the oil, carefully adding some of the thick, golden liquid to the metal. She smiled a little, proud; after all, a good soldier takes good care of his or her weapon.

"Hello, sergeant," Kimbley's voice revealed nothing as he stepped up next to her. Her face was pretty, and Kimbley decided he had been a good boy for far too long. He deserved a little treat. The possibility of court-martial didn't bother him; he was a State Alchemist after all.

"Good afternoon, Sir!" Hawkeye saluted firmly, jumping up as soon as she noticed the man.

"Easy, easy," Kimbley saluted back in a less than snappy action, not touching his head or hair with his hands. "Your name?" He found he was rather enjoying his higher rank at the moment. Now, he needed the girl to go into the tent, where no-one else would see anything.

"I'm Sergeant Riza Hawkeye, sir," the young blonde answered, a shade more casually. She didn't know, why was the alchemist asking but she had no reasons to deny the answers.

He knew he should wash away the blood on his hands, but it didn't bother him, not yet. Besides, it would be cleverer to wash after he had his way with the young Riza. "I see, you're taking good care of your weapon." He gestured to the gun on the ground... Out of her reach. Kimbley grinned and stepped closer to the woman, tracing her face with one finger. "But were you not taught to always be ready to fight, to always keep your weapon close?"

Riza frowned and stepped back, instinctively bringing her hand to her face to rub away the bloody touch. "We're in the camp... I wouldn't think that anybody, or anything, could harm me here."

Kimbley followed her, slowly backing her into the tent. "So you didn't hear about the assassination attempt a few weeks ago? Some Ishbalites came into the camp and tried to kill important people."

"The attacks targeted generals and colonels, not simple privates or low-ranked officers." Riza stopped stubbornly, realizing he was hearding her. She had some guesses as to what Kimbley wanted and her belly started to crawl in a disquieting manner. "I think I could get to my gun quickly enough if there was danger, sir."

"Ah, but now you went and left it behind, sergeant," Kimbley grinned and grabbed both of her wrists. "You know I'm an Alchemist, right? I could blow you up..." He stepped forward, shoving Hawkeye back without letting go.

"Sir!" The young woman tried to resist. "That would be murder! You can't kill one of your companions! Let go of me!"

"It would be murder? And what is it that we're doing day after day?" Kimbley was amused, not letting go of her. He instead kicked out the pole which held open the tent's entrance. "No, lovely, it'd be a spy's death, whom I uncovered."

"What do you want from me...?" She hissed angrily, hiding her fright behind the cold mask she usually wore. Hawkeye was scared; she was only nineteen and she didn't have many encounters with males this far... And for God's sake, the Crimson Alchemist was all bloody from those unfortunate souls he turned into a living bomb...! "Let me go!" She tried to wrench her hand away desperately.

Kimbley tightened his grip with a wide grin. "Oh, I thought it was clear, what I wanted... A body, not necessarily willing. And you're pretty enough." He liked how, this girl tried to fight against him, but so far he was lucky, she didn't scream. "Don't scream, don't fight and I won't kill you." He pushed her on the bed with more force than needed, and not taking off his eyes of her, he undid the first button on his shirt.

Hawkeye forgot about screaming in her panic, but she pressed her hands against the man's chest. "No, please! Let me go, Sir! Please!" The tears stung her eyes but she blinked them back furiously. She couldn't cry now, she couldn't be weak! If she weakened... She'd be lost.

"Why should I let you go? Are you one of the general's babes?" The question was followed with an easy laugh. She wasn't, Kimbley knew it, but it was an interesting enough question and he was curious if she would lie or not. Her fear was intoxicating, and he was almost fully erect from the little fight. "Clothes off if you don't want me to blow them up." It was an order as he took off his own shirt, still not trusting the woman enough to look away.

In a last desperate effort to get loose, Hawkeye squirmed hard, trying to get away now that her hands were free. "I'm nobody's whore! And I won't be yours either!" She threw a punch towards his face.

Kimbley dodged her fist and made a grab after her wrist. "Stop this, sergeant!" He growled out. She was dangerous like this, and Kimbley needed to restrain her if he wanted to have any fun at all; but first he needed to catch her without walking into one of her punches or kicks.

Hawkeye gained new hope and she continued struggling. Maybe she could slip away and make a run for it...

"Stop, now!" Kimbley ordered, and threw himself forward, pinning her with his own body. "Stop, or I'll kill you!" He threatened the woman darkly, grabbing her throat.

Riza stilled. Her chest rose and fell with her harsh breaths; brown eyes wide open from fear. The Alchemist's yellow eyes were burning with an insane flame, letting the young blonde understand that his words weren't just empty threats. She swallowed and didn't move anymore.

Kimbley slowly grinned, pulling his hands away to cup her breasts. They were soft, even through the fabric of the clothes. "Don't you hate these? I could take them off your body so easily," he circled his hands around, searching for the nipples with his thumbs.

The first teardrop rolled down on Riza's face. She liked her body... she didn't want any part of it to be ruined... Her mind was fuzzy from fear and the ancient instinct of submitting to someone stronger was rising in her. "Please... Don't... hurt me!" She sounded pitiful and she knew it. She hated it, but she was helpless in this stuation.

"Poor, little Riza," Kimbley mocked her; "you're scared of me. But don't fret; I won't alarm these perfect bombs, if you don't anger me." He grabbed her coat and pulled - the buttons flying as the white shirt came into view. "I'll even make you enjoy it, if you're good enough."

Riza just closed her eyes in shame and tried to swallow the tears that just kept coming. She had no hope - Kimbley probably hadn't even heard about such thing as foreplay; or gentleness, for that matter.

Kimbley grinned and tore open her shirt as well, wanting to feel the skin under his hands. Cupping her breasts again, he teased her nipples. Then he kissed her, forcing his tongue into her mouth, claiming it, showing his dominance.

Hawkeye gasped from disgust as those bloody hands touched her naked skin, and in the next moment she felt his tongue... He was violent, almost bruising her lips. Hawkeye squeezed her eyes shut, moaning helplessly while making some weak attempts to turn her head away.

"Aw, don't be a killjoy," Kimbley pulled back from the one-sided kiss. "Show me you're enjoying this as well..." Kneeling up, he took her wrists into one hand while the other opened both of their military trousers. He was curious if her underwear would be feminine or not.

Riza whimpered a little. She didn't want this, to be taken by this sadistic man, she didn't want him to see her naked... As he opened her trousers to expose her simple white panties, she felt the blush to rise on her cheeks. And yet, she couldn't do anything about it.

"Next time, you should wear something sexier," Kimbley commented and took out his hard dick from his briefs. He gave it a squeeze, guiding it into her body. She wasn't wet, and he didn't expect it, but like this it needed a little more force. However, Kimbley didn't mind that fact.

Riza let out a small, pained cry as he penetrated her. Inwardly she thanked to God that she wasn't a virgin anymore... To loose her innocence like this would have been terrible. Still, the friction burned and she instinctively began to squirm a little again, trying to lessen the ache. "S-sir... It hurts!"

"It does, sergeant? What do you want me to do?" Kimbley settled inside her body. It was tight, and hot, and Kimbley just wanted to loose himself in Hawkeye; however, her still remaining respect, and wonderful body, needed a reward... like a moment of stillness to let her adjust.

Hawkeye nearly started to cry again; she wanted to shout 'get out of me, you bastard!' But instead, she tilted her head to the side and whispered in a barely audible tone, "Make it quick..."

Kimbley grinned at her and kissed her again before starting to thrust. He didn't need long, he hadn't been able to get a warm body in a very long time, and her broken eyes made his dick throb. He came with a cry, muffled against the woman's shoulder.

The young sergeant felt sick. The mad alchemist's seed burned her inside, like acid. She wanted to throw off the man and wash, with soap, to clean away all the filth he smeared on her... But she was weak; she just lay there and waited for Kimbley to rise and finally leave her alone. At least she didn't feel anything. There was no pleasure and that helped a little. At least her body didn't betray her.

"Ah, this was great," Kimbley pulled out and adjusted his clothing. "I think I'll be back for more later this week, sergeant," he added as he stood up. He wasn't serious, but Hawkeye didn't need to know that. He grinned at her one last time and turned on his heels, leaving her tent to take a much needed shower.

Hawkeye struggled up and grabbed an old towel that was lying nearby to clean herself. Then she pulled her clothes back on and she sneaked out to wash. She tried hard not to think on the possibility that the alchemist had rewarded her with even more than this unpleasant encounter.


~FiN~


x-posted to kira_k & okami_hu & fma_fiction & fma_het & fm_alchemist & probably _rizahawkeye_

Announcement: Since people were arguing with _us_ and not about the fic, I froze all threads.

Comments

(frozen) WTF

[(Anonymous)]

I am posting anonymously not because I want to hide who I am, but because I am a lurker without a livejournal account. However, I am a long time lurker, and I feel quite confident in telling you that this DOES NOT BELONG HERE.

Beyond that, I have a big problem with a story itself - even beyond the fact that it's RAPE. Kimbley as a rapist is fine. He is a sociopath. But Hawkeye...UGH. You obviously have very skewed ideas about rape.

"She had no hopes - Kimbley probably didn't even hear about such thing as foreplay..."

What? WHAT?? She's about to be raped and she's worried that he's not going to engage in foreplay?? What the hell do you think rape is?!

"S-sir... It hurts!"

Yes. She's being raped and she's still calling him sir. What. The. Hell. This is insulting. If you have to write this kind of crap, at least stick to writing it from the sociopath's point of view. That does seem to be the one you can better identify with.

(frozen) Re: WTF

[(Anonymous)]

Also, when I say "does not belong here," I meant fm_alchemist. I didn't realize at first that the link had sent me to your personal journal. You can post whatever the hell you want in your personal journal, of course, no matter how insulting.

(frozen) Re: WTF

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your comment. But why do you think, this fic doesn't belong to fm_alchemist? Yaoi does? And I have this feeling you're telling me this only because you were offended. I feel kinda offended, when I see RoiAi stuff. So I should go out and scream RoiAi does not belong to fm_alchemist...?

I believe, we put up a fairly good header, which announced clearly, that this fic is a KimbleyxHawkeye rapefic. If this bothers you, why did you read it in the first place...? Or are you this upset, because the characterization seems off...? You forgot to give me the reasons why do we suck so badly.

If you take a closer look, the "foreplay" thing gets mentioned after Riza asks Kimbley not to cause her any pain. In her slightly dizzied state, this comes into Riza's mind, because she doesn't want to feel pain; yet, she knows Kimbley will cause her that. She would like him to be gentler but she knows he won't be. I hope, I cleared this up now.

The "sir". clodia_risa explained it very well: "Hawkeye, who is so accustomed to the military rank, keep calling Kimbley "Sir" even as he is raping her. It is likely ingrained in those soldiers." It is. And Riza is also very young in this fic, about nineteen. How on Earth should he call Kimbley? Major? That's basically the same as "sir".

You should have known, that this fic is going to be insulting. Why did you read it then...?

(frozen)

[clodia-risa.livejournal.com]

I thought it was an excellent story. I could easily see Hawkeye, who is so accustomed to the military rank, keep calling Kimbley "Sir" even as he is raping her. It is likely ingrained in those soldiers. Also, I could easily see Kimbley doing something like this. Easily.
I think that the line about foreplay was a little odd.
There were some grammatical errors. "Lose" not "loose" (Lose, as in lost, and loose as in loosen) and several towards the end.

All in all - I can't say that I enjoyed your story, but I could see it. Very good job.

(frozen)

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

Okay, check back the replies, I explained the "foreplay-thing" in the previous one. Thanx for the grammar correction and for the comment! ^^ *bows* We both appreciate it.

(frozen)

[forgottenlover.livejournal.com]

I liked it, but dammn if you don't need some editing. I'm just twisted like that though, you knew that, ne?

(frozen)

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

Beta for us, sweetie!

(frozen) You asked me to beta, so I did.

[forgottenlover.livejournal.com]

Alright, I'll post your story back to you in parts, edited. Then you can fix it, kay? And tell me when you posted all the fixed pieces!

(frozen)

[jpegasus.livejournal.com]

Hm, I'm disappointed you froze the thread when you couldn't sway people to your side of things.

Secondly, I would love to see some valid, documented evidence of this 'biological fact'.

I, personally, don't know how you could go through your day believing that you're biologically inferior to somebody else.

(frozen)

[kira-k.livejournal.com]

I think this is so not about the fic itself, but I'll try and answer. However, I also think, we won't change each other's opinion, so we should agree to disagree and go on with our life.

Psyhology and biology was never my strong side.
But I'm inferior to the genius who was born with 220+ IQ. I'm inferior to the athlete who runs faster than me. I'm weaker than my 13 year old brother. These are biological facts, yet I can go on with my life without much bitching/ranting about it.
You think, you're biologically superior to everyone else? Or we were born with all the same genetical abilities? Are we just clones from Lichtenstein?

Submitting to the stronger is an instict to survive. I could go into democracy and laws and what not, but the law is just another 'stronger thing', you submit to live peacefully.

(frozen)

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

And I've never wanted to sway people to my side of things. You all have your personal opinions. I have mines. They clash. If we're civilized enough, we could settle this peacefully and understand, that both opinions have a place in the world.

((BTW. Male genetical code: hunt for food. Protect food. Procreate. Compete. Be the best. Dominate. // Women's genetical code: work hard. Produce children. Stand aside. Submit. Let the man handle the problems.

It was like this in the Medieval and it's like this even now. Just take a look at the big majority of the housewives. And I'd like to point out, that there are lots of women, who are getting raped by their husbands on a daily basis and yet, they keep quiet. Because the ancient genetical codes and the customs engraved into humanity's mind restrain them.))

(frozen)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_vejitto_/]

Kimbley isn't an enemy but Riza's superior with some 6 ranks.
He's raping her. The same Riza who plotted against the Fuhrer (alongside Roy - this shows her priority; Roy > military) is submitting to a rapist because he's over him in ranks? Think of "enemy" a little theoretically.

Sigh, second freezing. I stand by my words, and without offense: this is the internet, where people will cut into the words you put down. There is no "don't like, don't read" law. Free speech is that you can put up anything, the same goes for those who comment. Sorry this turned out this way.

(frozen)

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

I asked the people to close this topic, because it doesn't make sense anymore. I wasn't expecting YOU to go against my humble wish.

[rivers-mum.livejournal.com]

this was a good story. I could see that happening. I think people are just being rood. You did great!

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you very much for the kind words. ^^ I'm glad you think we did great. *bows*

[rivers-mum.livejournal.com]

your welcome! I say if people dont like someones story then stop reading or just dont post rude comments. It its like they were forced to read it! keep up the good work!

[this-here-girl.livejournal.com]

I read this and I loved it. I don't get how people are complaining about Hawkeye's actions because:

1. Not only did she fight back, but she fought back so hard that Kimbley was forced to threaten her.

2. Kimbley has the power to make a person explode from the inside out and he did threaten to use this power against her. The human will to live is the strongest there is and seeing as how Hawkeye is a rational women, she is going to do what she needs to live.

3. So what if she called him Sir. Just because she's not calling him names doesn't mean she won't kill him if she had the chance. I can think of one man in particular whom I called sir even though I was on the verge of beating the crap out of him.

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

Great Goddess. I'm stunned. Dunno where you live but can I marry you? You managed to completely understand the story. You caught the facts nobody bothered to notice. Yes, Hawkeye WAS fighting back, yes, Kimbley PROMISED to kill her!

I'm so glad there are people like you up on LJ. You gave me my faith back. Thank you. *bows*

Re: F*** YOU

[ratiosu.livejournal.com]

XDDDDD *supports the flamer*

I frankly think you fucking hell deserve the flame. Enough said.

Re: F*** YOU

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

Since you obviously haven't read the comments, I'll explain it to you, slowly and loud, that even you might understand.

1, Come to think of it, ninja_ wrote a Kimbley-Rizy rapefic too, it's up on the fma_het comm, check it. ^_^

2, Sorry babe, I'm a girl. XD

3, Riza resisted. She was just not strong enough to fight off Kimbley. And besides, Kimbley treathened her with his alchemy. That would make any man or woman shut up and stay calm unless that person is mentally retarded. Apparently, you're one of those fortunate girls, who never faced a big, strong man wielding a knife or a gun, who wanted to fuck you. Thank the Goddes, I'm among them too. I just have some imagination. Ah, yes, let me display my theory here about Riza and Mustang. If we accept, that Riza already was Roy's follower and right hand, it's quite clear, that she chose a few minutes of humiliation istead of painful death - because if she dies, who will support Roy...?

4, okay, okay, I was misinformed. I was forced to accept, that women's basic roles aren't enforced by genetics. They're enforced by 10000 years of social customs. (But let me point out, that that works just as well.)

5, I'm terribly sorry but I do not intend to commit suicide. That would be way too narrow-minded. Also, I believe in reincarnation, so when I'll be reborn, I couldn't meet medieval people. Bummer.

6, The link to this fic was actually posted on the Riza Hawkeye community. RoiAi fans have nothing to do with it.

Feel free to hate me though. ^__^

[mandy138.livejournal.com]

Ok, first of all, while one may not agree with a story or the writer, it's not like you were forced to click on the link. I am a firm R&R supporter but I am open to other pairings. While I have issues with this story, flaming like this is NEVER JUSTIFIED. It's just a lame ass attempt to rant incoherently and display your total lack of maturity and reasonableness (don't think that's a word, but eh). If you have problems or questions, take some time to cool off before commenting. And WHEN commenting, you should do so with the intention of gaining insight. Whether you like the insight or not remains to be seen and is not the point, rather that you should be TRYING to understand where the concept and author are coming from. If a person that is ONLY R&R sees this, then they have NO reason to be reading this; especially when the pairing and warnings were clearly stated before the start of the piece.

It's stupid and immature people performing events like this that piss me off.

[okami-hu.livejournal.com]

I'd like to thank you for your sane and logical comment. It warmed up my heart. *bows*

[drizzling-blue.livejournal.com]

Finally I'm posting my comment about the fic. (Do I know those rude people up there, did you ask? No, of course not. *whistles innocently*) In the other post, you had wished for critical criticism, so here I am, typing out my two cents on this fic. *sigh* I hope you won’t take it the wrong way. So here it goes:

I’m not even going to start ranting and screaming about how the both of you have portrayed Riza. It just struck me that if the enemy captured this Riza, it is possible she would break down after their threats and torture, ending up spilling the military secrets, something which the military would not allow any of their soldiers to do so.

There are a few mistakes made throughout the fic and some sentences which need rephrasing, so both of you might like to have a look at some of them. (I understand that the above fic is the edited version):

Paragraph 2, line 9:
“ideas” instead of “ideals”

Paragraph 4, line 14:
“stepped next” might be better as the “up” in “stepped up next” might be a little redundant

Paragraph 7, line 22:
“ why the alchemist was asking her” would be more accurate than “why was the alchemist asking”
“deny him of the answers” would be better than “deny the answers”

Paragraph 9, line 28:
Maybe you would like to consider “trying to rub off the tingling feeling and blood on her cheeks but to no avail” instead of “to rub away the bloody touch”

Paragraph 11, line 42:
I think you might have wanted to write “herding” instead of “hearding”

Paragraph 34, line 109:
“lose” instead of “loose”

These are just a few which I picked up along the way.

Now on to the style of writing. Both of you were “telling” the story instead of “showing” it. Here’s an example of what is “telling” and what’s “showing”:

Telling – “ As he cleared his desk, Peter was in a furious temper.”
(Yes, literally there is absolutely no mistake in this sentence.)

Showing – “ Peter cleared his desk, snatching at heaps of paper and hurling them into the bin”

Wouldn’t you agree the second sentence is better than the first one? "Telling” is the direct way of giving the reader information while “showing” can make the reader feel more actively involved in your story.

Add in a setting at the beginning of the story so that it would be a gripping opening. The paragraph written below is the opening of an imaginary story set at a funeral. Notice how passive description gets in the way:

It was a bitterly cold day. Everyone and everything was in black. People were standing around in a group, waiting for the coffin. Crows were circling the sky. The atmosphere was really eerie.

Compare it with this passage taken from Susan Hill’s novel, Mrs de Winter:

The undertaker’s men were like crows, stiff and black, lined up beside the path that led to the church; and we, we too were in black, as we, stood in our pathetic, awkward group waiting for them to lift out the coffin and shoulder it and for the clergyman to arrange himself, and he was another black crow in his long cloak. And then the real crows rose suddenly from the trees and from the fields, whirled up like scraps of blackened paper from a bonfire, and circled, caw-cawing above our heads.

Descriptions and style of writing would bring a scene to life. Try reading such novels when you have free time. (I know I sound like a nag and maybe a prig here…) My recommendations for the both of you:
I’m the King of the Castle by Susan Hill
Mrs de Winter by Susan Hill
Animal Farm by George Orwell
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
and The Pearl by John Steinbeck

I understand that English is not the 1st language for the both of you and how hard it is to learn a totally new language. However, the grasp of a particular language, especially the way you write it, is essential when you're writing in it. Isn’t this the reason why we are on this planet: to learn and to improve? ^^

P.S. Just to highlight something what kira_k had said, I think one shouldn’t judge a person just through his or her userinfo. For all you know, a male might just pose as a female and vice versa, nobody would know. Why do I say that? That’s because my friends and I had once played as male characters on an online RPG game and everybody believed us…

[kira-k.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the long, and constructive critique. *bows*

However there are a few things, I've wanted to address.

A captured Riza... Everyone has a breaking point, or their enemies simply kill him/her after some unsuccessful attempts. I'm tempted to write a death!fic with captured, but not-broken Riza, but I don't think it would be much success... :)

Our style, about showing and telling. I understand what you're saying, and yes, probably it's true. We didn't sit back and polished this as much as we should have and probably we won't do it in the future either, but yes, there are many parts we could rewrite. However we don't have the time, nor am I sure, it's necessary. Personally I hate to poke my stories after I've written down the -end- word and put it online, before the mass. It's a finished story, as good or bad as it can be. I try and 'undo' my mistakes in my next stories.

Reading. I read a lot, in English and in Hungarian as well, and I know okami_hu reads as well. I didn't read the books you mentioned, but I read 1984 from Orwell, and I didn't find his style good.
However I'll try and check these novels out next time I'm in the library, after I finished the Ivanhoe.

Userinfo, entries, friends, and interests are the only things I can gain some information about someone I know only on livejournal. If you lie, you lie, I wouldn't know. To be blunt, I don't care. If you say you're a half-Jew-half-Gypsy mutant witch, I'll nod, and treat you like one.

As for being here... I'm here to enjoy my life and to entertain God. :) It's not like I've a real chance to be a writer/illustrator/some kind of artist.