Interesting ficcy... ^^

[okami_hu]

Title: Shadowed sunlight
Authors: kira_k & okami_hu
Beta: forgottenlover
Rating: R
Genre: hetsmut
Warning: rape
Pairing: Kimbley & Hawkeye
Summary: "Oh, I thought it was clear, what I wanted... A body, not necessarily willing. And you're pretty enough."
Word count: 8753


She was sitting in front of her tent, cleaning her rifle with painful precision. The Ishbal sun glanced on the shiny weapon and caressed her honey-colored hair. She was young, too young to be here. Yet, her posture and calm eyes suggested she had already gone through a first initiation in this war.

Kimbley got back from the fields, after a day full of explosions. He was covered in blood due to his compulsion to touch every one of his victims. As a result of the kills, he was horny as well. He was thinking about going back into his tent and taking care of his problem when he spotted a blond head attached to a feminine body. He sauntered over, grinning as he got a better look at the young woman. She was lovely, young, and probably full of meaningless ideals.

Hawkeye didn't pay much attention to her surroundings when she worked. She wanted to keep her weapon in good shape, and it wasn't that easy to do in this desert hell. When she finished she picked up the oil, carefully adding some of the thick, golden liquid to the metal. She smiled a little, proud; after all, a good soldier takes good care of his or her weapon.

"Hello, sergeant," Kimbley's voice revealed nothing as he stepped up next to her. Her face was pretty, and Kimbley decided he had been a good boy for far too long. He deserved a little treat. The possibility of court-martial didn't bother him; he was a State Alchemist after all.

"Good afternoon, Sir!" Hawkeye saluted firmly, jumping up as soon as she noticed the man.

"Easy, easy," Kimbley saluted back in a less than snappy action, not touching his head or hair with his hands. "Your name?" He found he was rather enjoying his higher rank at the moment. Now, he needed the girl to go into the tent, where no-one else would see anything.

"I'm Sergeant Riza Hawkeye, sir," the young blonde answered, a shade more casually. She didn't know, why was the alchemist asking but she had no reasons to deny the answers.

He knew he should wash away the blood on his hands, but it didn't bother him, not yet. Besides, it would be cleverer to wash after he had his way with the young Riza. "I see, you're taking good care of your weapon." He gestured to the gun on the ground... Out of her reach. Kimbley grinned and stepped closer to the woman, tracing her face with one finger. "But were you not taught to always be ready to fight, to always keep your weapon close?"

Riza frowned and stepped back, instinctively bringing her hand to her face to rub away the bloody touch. "We're in the camp... I wouldn't think that anybody, or anything, could harm me here."

Kimbley followed her, slowly backing her into the tent. "So you didn't hear about the assassination attempt a few weeks ago? Some Ishbalites came into the camp and tried to kill important people."

"The attacks targeted generals and colonels, not simple privates or low-ranked officers." Riza stopped stubbornly, realizing he was hearding her. She had some guesses as to what Kimbley wanted and her belly started to crawl in a disquieting manner. "I think I could get to my gun quickly enough if there was danger, sir."

"Ah, but now you went and left it behind, sergeant," Kimbley grinned and grabbed both of her wrists. "You know I'm an Alchemist, right? I could blow you up..." He stepped forward, shoving Hawkeye back without letting go.

"Sir!" The young woman tried to resist. "That would be murder! You can't kill one of your companions! Let go of me!"

"It would be murder? And what is it that we're doing day after day?" Kimbley was amused, not letting go of her. He instead kicked out the pole which held open the tent's entrance. "No, lovely, it'd be a spy's death, whom I uncovered."

"What do you want from me...?" She hissed angrily, hiding her fright behind the cold mask she usually wore. Hawkeye was scared; she was only nineteen and she didn't have many encounters with males this far... And for God's sake, the Crimson Alchemist was all bloody from those unfortunate souls he turned into a living bomb...! "Let me go!" She tried to wrench her hand away desperately.

Kimbley tightened his grip with a wide grin. "Oh, I thought it was clear, what I wanted... A body, not necessarily willing. And you're pretty enough." He liked how, this girl tried to fight against him, but so far he was lucky, she didn't scream. "Don't scream, don't fight and I won't kill you." He pushed her on the bed with more force than needed, and not taking off his eyes of her, he undid the first button on his shirt.

Hawkeye forgot about screaming in her panic, but she pressed her hands against the man's chest. "No, please! Let me go, Sir! Please!" The tears stung her eyes but she blinked them back furiously. She couldn't cry now, she couldn't be weak! If she weakened... She'd be lost.

"Why should I let you go? Are you one of the general's babes?" The question was followed with an easy laugh. She wasn't, Kimbley knew it, but it was an interesting enough question and he was curious if she would lie or not. Her fear was intoxicating, and he was almost fully erect from the little fight. "Clothes off if you don't want me to blow them up." It was an order as he took off his own shirt, still not trusting the woman enough to look away.

In a last desperate effort to get loose, Hawkeye squirmed hard, trying to get away now that her hands were free. "I'm nobody's whore! And I won't be yours either!" She threw a punch towards his face.

Kimbley dodged her fist and made a grab after her wrist. "Stop this, sergeant!" He growled out. She was dangerous like this, and Kimbley needed to restrain her if he wanted to have any fun at all; but first he needed to catch her without walking into one of her punches or kicks.

Hawkeye gained new hope and she continued struggling. Maybe she could slip away and make a run for it...

"Stop, now!" Kimbley ordered, and threw himself forward, pinning her with his own body. "Stop, or I'll kill you!" He threatened the woman darkly, grabbing her throat.

Riza stilled. Her chest rose and fell with her harsh breaths; brown eyes wide open from fear. The Alchemist's yellow eyes were burning with an insane flame, letting the young blonde understand that his words weren't just empty threats. She swallowed and didn't move anymore.

Kimbley slowly grinned, pulling his hands away to cup her breasts. They were soft, even through the fabric of the clothes. "Don't you hate these? I could take them off your body so easily," he circled his hands around, searching for the nipples with his thumbs.

The first teardrop rolled down on Riza's face. She liked her body... she didn't want any part of it to be ruined... Her mind was fuzzy from fear and the ancient instinct of submitting to someone stronger was rising in her. "Please... Don't... hurt me!" She sounded pitiful and she knew it. She hated it, but she was helpless in this stuation.

"Poor, little Riza," Kimbley mocked her; "you're scared of me. But don't fret; I won't alarm these perfect bombs, if you don't anger me." He grabbed her coat and pulled - the buttons flying as the white shirt came into view. "I'll even make you enjoy it, if you're good enough."

Riza just closed her eyes in shame and tried to swallow the tears that just kept coming. She had no hope - Kimbley probably hadn't even heard about such thing as foreplay; or gentleness, for that matter.

Kimbley grinned and tore open her shirt as well, wanting to feel the skin under his hands. Cupping her breasts again, he teased her nipples. Then he kissed her, forcing his tongue into her mouth, claiming it, showing his dominance.

Hawkeye gasped from disgust as those bloody hands touched her naked skin, and in the next moment she felt his tongue... He was violent, almost bruising her lips. Hawkeye squeezed her eyes shut, moaning helplessly while making some weak attempts to turn her head away.

"Aw, don't be a killjoy," Kimbley pulled back from the one-sided kiss. "Show me you're enjoying this as well..." Kneeling up, he took her wrists into one hand while the other opened both of their military trousers. He was curious if her underwear would be feminine or not.

Riza whimpered a little. She didn't want this, to be taken by this sadistic man, she didn't want him to see her naked... As he opened her trousers to expose her simple white panties, she felt the blush to rise on her cheeks. And yet, she couldn't do anything about it.

"Next time, you should wear something sexier," Kimbley commented and took out his hard dick from his briefs. He gave it a squeeze, guiding it into her body. She wasn't wet, and he didn't expect it, but like this it needed a little more force. However, Kimbley didn't mind that fact.

Riza let out a small, pained cry as he penetrated her. Inwardly she thanked to God that she wasn't a virgin anymore... To loose her innocence like this would have been terrible. Still, the friction burned and she instinctively began to squirm a little again, trying to lessen the ache. "S-sir... It hurts!"

"It does, sergeant? What do you want me to do?" Kimbley settled inside her body. It was tight, and hot, and Kimbley just wanted to loose himself in Hawkeye; however, her still remaining respect, and wonderful body, needed a reward... like a moment of stillness to let her adjust.

Hawkeye nearly started to cry again; she wanted to shout 'get out of me, you bastard!' But instead, she tilted her head to the side and whispered in a barely audible tone, "Make it quick..."

Kimbley grinned at her and kissed her again before starting to thrust. He didn't need long, he hadn't been able to get a warm body in a very long time, and her broken eyes made his dick throb. He came with a cry, muffled against the woman's shoulder.

The young sergeant felt sick. The mad alchemist's seed burned her inside, like acid. She wanted to throw off the man and wash, with soap, to clean away all the filth he smeared on her... But she was weak; she just lay there and waited for Kimbley to rise and finally leave her alone. At least she didn't feel anything. There was no pleasure and that helped a little. At least her body didn't betray her.

"Ah, this was great," Kimbley pulled out and adjusted his clothing. "I think I'll be back for more later this week, sergeant," he added as he stood up. He wasn't serious, but Hawkeye didn't need to know that. He grinned at her one last time and turned on his heels, leaving her tent to take a much needed shower.

Hawkeye struggled up and grabbed an old towel that was lying nearby to clean herself. Then she pulled her clothes back on and she sneaked out to wash. She tried hard not to think on the possibility that the alchemist had rewarded her with even more than this unpleasant encounter.


~FiN~


x-posted to kira_k & okami_hu & fma_fiction & fma_het & fm_alchemist & probably _rizahawkeye_

Announcement: Since people were arguing with _us_ and not about the fic, I froze all threads.

Comments

(frozen comment) WTF

[(Anonymous)]

I am posting anonymously not because I want to hide who I am, but because I am a lurker without a livejournal account. However, I am a long time lurker, and I feel quite confident in telling you that this DOES NOT BELONG HERE.

Beyond that, I have a big problem with a story itself - even beyond the fact that it's RAPE. Kimbley as a rapist is fine. He is a sociopath. But Hawkeye...UGH. You obviously have very skewed ideas about rape.

"She had no hopes - Kimbley probably didn't even hear about such thing as foreplay..."

What? WHAT?? She's about to be raped and she's worried that he's not going to engage in foreplay?? What the hell do you think rape is?!

"S-sir... It hurts!"

Yes. She's being raped and she's still calling him sir. What. The. Hell. This is insulting. If you have to write this kind of crap, at least stick to writing it from the sociopath's point of view. That does seem to be the one you can better identify with.

(frozen comment)

[clodia-risa.livejournal.com]

I thought it was an excellent story. I could easily see Hawkeye, who is so accustomed to the military rank, keep calling Kimbley "Sir" even as he is raping her. It is likely ingrained in those soldiers. Also, I could easily see Kimbley doing something like this. Easily.
I think that the line about foreplay was a little odd.
There were some grammatical errors. "Lose" not "loose" (Lose, as in lost, and loose as in loosen) and several towards the end.

All in all - I can't say that I enjoyed your story, but I could see it. Very good job.

(frozen comment)

[forgottenlover.livejournal.com]

I liked it, but dammn if you don't need some editing. I'm just twisted like that though, you knew that, ne?

(frozen comment) You asked me to beta, so I did.

[forgottenlover.livejournal.com]

Alright, I'll post your story back to you in parts, edited. Then you can fix it, kay? And tell me when you posted all the fixed pieces!

(frozen comment)

[jpegasus.livejournal.com]

Hm, I'm disappointed you froze the thread when you couldn't sway people to your side of things.

Secondly, I would love to see some valid, documented evidence of this 'biological fact'.

I, personally, don't know how you could go through your day believing that you're biologically inferior to somebody else.

(frozen comment)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_vejitto_/]

Kimbley isn't an enemy but Riza's superior with some 6 ranks.
He's raping her. The same Riza who plotted against the Fuhrer (alongside Roy - this shows her priority; Roy > military) is submitting to a rapist because he's over him in ranks? Think of "enemy" a little theoretically.

Sigh, second freezing. I stand by my words, and without offense: this is the internet, where people will cut into the words you put down. There is no "don't like, don't read" law. Free speech is that you can put up anything, the same goes for those who comment. Sorry this turned out this way.

[rivers-mum.livejournal.com]

this was a good story. I could see that happening. I think people are just being rood. You did great!

[rivers-mum.livejournal.com]

your welcome! I say if people dont like someones story then stop reading or just dont post rude comments. It its like they were forced to read it! keep up the good work!

[this-here-girl.livejournal.com]

I read this and I loved it. I don't get how people are complaining about Hawkeye's actions because:

1. Not only did she fight back, but she fought back so hard that Kimbley was forced to threaten her.

2. Kimbley has the power to make a person explode from the inside out and he did threaten to use this power against her. The human will to live is the strongest there is and seeing as how Hawkeye is a rational women, she is going to do what she needs to live.

3. So what if she called him Sir. Just because she's not calling him names doesn't mean she won't kill him if she had the chance. I can think of one man in particular whom I called sir even though I was on the verge of beating the crap out of him.

[mandy138.livejournal.com]

Ok, first of all, while one may not agree with a story or the writer, it's not like you were forced to click on the link. I am a firm R&R supporter but I am open to other pairings. While I have issues with this story, flaming like this is NEVER JUSTIFIED. It's just a lame ass attempt to rant incoherently and display your total lack of maturity and reasonableness (don't think that's a word, but eh). If you have problems or questions, take some time to cool off before commenting. And WHEN commenting, you should do so with the intention of gaining insight. Whether you like the insight or not remains to be seen and is not the point, rather that you should be TRYING to understand where the concept and author are coming from. If a person that is ONLY R&R sees this, then they have NO reason to be reading this; especially when the pairing and warnings were clearly stated before the start of the piece.

It's stupid and immature people performing events like this that piss me off.

[drizzling-blue.livejournal.com]

Finally I'm posting my comment about the fic. (Do I know those rude people up there, did you ask? No, of course not. *whistles innocently*) In the other post, you had wished for critical criticism, so here I am, typing out my two cents on this fic. *sigh* I hope you won’t take it the wrong way. So here it goes:

I’m not even going to start ranting and screaming about how the both of you have portrayed Riza. It just struck me that if the enemy captured this Riza, it is possible she would break down after their threats and torture, ending up spilling the military secrets, something which the military would not allow any of their soldiers to do so.

There are a few mistakes made throughout the fic and some sentences which need rephrasing, so both of you might like to have a look at some of them. (I understand that the above fic is the edited version):

Paragraph 2, line 9:
“ideas” instead of “ideals”

Paragraph 4, line 14:
“stepped next” might be better as the “up” in “stepped up next” might be a little redundant

Paragraph 7, line 22:
“ why the alchemist was asking her” would be more accurate than “why was the alchemist asking”
“deny him of the answers” would be better than “deny the answers”

Paragraph 9, line 28:
Maybe you would like to consider “trying to rub off the tingling feeling and blood on her cheeks but to no avail” instead of “to rub away the bloody touch”

Paragraph 11, line 42:
I think you might have wanted to write “herding” instead of “hearding”

Paragraph 34, line 109:
“lose” instead of “loose”

These are just a few which I picked up along the way.

Now on to the style of writing. Both of you were “telling” the story instead of “showing” it. Here’s an example of what is “telling” and what’s “showing”:

Telling – “ As he cleared his desk, Peter was in a furious temper.”
(Yes, literally there is absolutely no mistake in this sentence.)

Showing – “ Peter cleared his desk, snatching at heaps of paper and hurling them into the bin”

Wouldn’t you agree the second sentence is better than the first one? "Telling” is the direct way of giving the reader information while “showing” can make the reader feel more actively involved in your story.

Add in a setting at the beginning of the story so that it would be a gripping opening. The paragraph written below is the opening of an imaginary story set at a funeral. Notice how passive description gets in the way:

It was a bitterly cold day. Everyone and everything was in black. People were standing around in a group, waiting for the coffin. Crows were circling the sky. The atmosphere was really eerie.

Compare it with this passage taken from Susan Hill’s novel, Mrs de Winter:

The undertaker’s men were like crows, stiff and black, lined up beside the path that led to the church; and we, we too were in black, as we, stood in our pathetic, awkward group waiting for them to lift out the coffin and shoulder it and for the clergyman to arrange himself, and he was another black crow in his long cloak. And then the real crows rose suddenly from the trees and from the fields, whirled up like scraps of blackened paper from a bonfire, and circled, caw-cawing above our heads.

Descriptions and style of writing would bring a scene to life. Try reading such novels when you have free time. (I know I sound like a nag and maybe a prig here…) My recommendations for the both of you:
I’m the King of the Castle by Susan Hill
Mrs de Winter by Susan Hill
Animal Farm by George Orwell
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
and The Pearl by John Steinbeck

I understand that English is not the 1st language for the both of you and how hard it is to learn a totally new language. However, the grasp of a particular language, especially the way you write it, is essential when you're writing in it. Isn’t this the reason why we are on this planet: to learn and to improve? ^^

P.S. Just to highlight something what kira_k had said, I think one shouldn’t judge a person just through his or her userinfo. For all you know, a male might just pose as a female and vice versa, nobody would know. Why do I say that? That’s because my friends and I had once played as male characters on an online RPG game and everybody believed us…