Finally I'm posting my comment about the fic. (Do I know those rude people up there, did you ask? No, of course not. *whistles innocently*) In the other post, you had wished for critical criticism, so here I am, typing out my two cents on this fic. *sigh* I hope you won’t take it the wrong way. So here it goes:
I’m not even going to start ranting and screaming about how the both of you have portrayed Riza. It just struck me that if the enemy captured this Riza, it is possible she would break down after their threats and torture, ending up spilling the military secrets, something which the military would not allow any of their soldiers to do so.
There are a few mistakes made throughout the fic and some sentences which need rephrasing, so both of you might like to have a look at some of them. (I understand that the above fic is the edited version):
Paragraph 2, line 9: “ideas” instead of “ideals”
Paragraph 4, line 14: “stepped next” might be better as the “up” in “stepped up next” might be a little redundant
Paragraph 7, line 22: “ why the alchemist was asking her” would be more accurate than “why was the alchemist asking” “deny him of the answers” would be better than “deny the answers”
Paragraph 9, line 28: Maybe you would like to consider “trying to rub off the tingling feeling and blood on her cheeks but to no avail” instead of “to rub away the bloody touch”
Paragraph 11, line 42: I think you might have wanted to write “herding” instead of “hearding”
Paragraph 34, line 109: “lose” instead of “loose”
These are just a few which I picked up along the way.
Now on to the style of writing. Both of you were “telling” the story instead of “showing” it. Here’s an example of what is “telling” and what’s “showing”:
Telling – “ As he cleared his desk, Peter was in a furious temper.” (Yes, literally there is absolutely no mistake in this sentence.)
Showing – “ Peter cleared his desk, snatching at heaps of paper and hurling them into the bin”
Wouldn’t you agree the second sentence is better than the first one? "Telling” is the direct way of giving the reader information while “showing” can make the reader feel more actively involved in your story.
Add in a setting at the beginning of the story so that it would be a gripping opening. The paragraph written below is the opening of an imaginary story set at a funeral. Notice how passive description gets in the way:
It was a bitterly cold day. Everyone and everything was in black. People were standing around in a group, waiting for the coffin. Crows were circling the sky. The atmosphere was really eerie.
Compare it with this passage taken from Susan Hill’s novel, Mrs de Winter:
The undertaker’s men were like crows, stiff and black, lined up beside the path that led to the church; and we, we too were in black, as we, stood in our pathetic, awkward group waiting for them to lift out the coffin and shoulder it and for the clergyman to arrange himself, and he was another black crow in his long cloak. And then the real crows rose suddenly from the trees and from the fields, whirled up like scraps of blackened paper from a bonfire, and circled, caw-cawing above our heads.
Descriptions and style of writing would bring a scene to life. Try reading such novels when you have free time. (I know I sound like a nag and maybe a prig here…) My recommendations for the both of you: I’m the King of the Castle by Susan Hill Mrs de Winter by Susan Hill Animal Farm by George Orwell To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee and The Pearl by John Steinbeck
I understand that English is not the 1st language for the both of you and how hard it is to learn a totally new language. However, the grasp of a particular language, especially the way you write it, is essential when you're writing in it. Isn’t this the reason why we are on this planet: to learn and to improve? ^^
P.S. Just to highlight something what kira_k had said, I think one shouldn’t judge a person just through his or her userinfo. For all you know, a male might just pose as a female and vice versa, nobody would know. Why do I say that? That’s because my friends and I had once played as male characters on an online RPG game and everybody believed us…
no subject
I’m not even going to start ranting and screaming about how the both of you have portrayed Riza. It just struck me that if the enemy captured this Riza, it is possible she would break down after their threats and torture, ending up spilling the military secrets, something which the military would not allow any of their soldiers to do so.
There are a few mistakes made throughout the fic and some sentences which need rephrasing, so both of you might like to have a look at some of them. (I understand that the above fic is the edited version):
Paragraph 2, line 9:
“ideas” instead of “ideals”
Paragraph 4, line 14:
“stepped next” might be better as the “up” in “stepped up next” might be a little redundant
Paragraph 7, line 22:
“ why the alchemist was asking her” would be more accurate than “why was the alchemist asking”
“deny him of the answers” would be better than “deny the answers”
Paragraph 9, line 28:
Maybe you would like to consider “trying to rub off the tingling feeling and blood on her cheeks but to no avail” instead of “to rub away the bloody touch”
Paragraph 11, line 42:
I think you might have wanted to write “herding” instead of “hearding”
Paragraph 34, line 109:
“lose” instead of “loose”
These are just a few which I picked up along the way.
Now on to the style of writing. Both of you were “telling” the story instead of “showing” it. Here’s an example of what is “telling” and what’s “showing”:
Telling – “ As he cleared his desk, Peter was in a furious temper.”
(Yes, literally there is absolutely no mistake in this sentence.)
Showing – “ Peter cleared his desk, snatching at heaps of paper and hurling them into the bin”
Wouldn’t you agree the second sentence is better than the first one? "Telling” is the direct way of giving the reader information while “showing” can make the reader feel more actively involved in your story.
Add in a setting at the beginning of the story so that it would be a gripping opening. The paragraph written below is the opening of an imaginary story set at a funeral. Notice how passive description gets in the way:
It was a bitterly cold day. Everyone and everything was in black. People were standing around in a group, waiting for the coffin. Crows were circling the sky. The atmosphere was really eerie.
Compare it with this passage taken from Susan Hill’s novel, Mrs de Winter:
The undertaker’s men were like crows, stiff and black, lined up beside the path that led to the church; and we, we too were in black, as we, stood in our pathetic, awkward group waiting for them to lift out the coffin and shoulder it and for the clergyman to arrange himself, and he was another black crow in his long cloak. And then the real crows rose suddenly from the trees and from the fields, whirled up like scraps of blackened paper from a bonfire, and circled, caw-cawing above our heads.
Descriptions and style of writing would bring a scene to life. Try reading such novels when you have free time. (I know I sound like a nag and maybe a prig here…) My recommendations for the both of you:
I’m the King of the Castle by Susan Hill
Mrs de Winter by Susan Hill
Animal Farm by George Orwell
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
and The Pearl by John Steinbeck
I understand that English is not the 1st language for the both of you and how hard it is to learn a totally new language. However, the grasp of a particular language, especially the way you write it, is essential when you're writing in it. Isn’t this the reason why we are on this planet: to learn and to improve? ^^
P.S. Just to highlight something what